Not liking what I have become - now Eating humble pie

 I had a very humbling embarrassing and frightening moment today.  I think what frightened me most was how quickly I became that "ugly person" in the midst of a national crisis and a global pandemic.  I feel compelled to share with you how easy it is to be "over the edge" of the precipice when least expected.

My sweetheart and I were taking our walk today.  It's an absolutely beautiful, new england fall color day.  What could go wrong?

We had just crossed the street in Holliston, MA where we like to walk, and a bright red car pulled out of the parking lot behind us, and as the driver started to pass us, he rolled down his window and said in a loud voice "you know what I hate about masks".... 

every neuron in my body fired with those words.  panic, fear, terror, rage... how could this complete stranger assault us for wearing our masks while we walked??? I instantly saw a threat, a danger, I didn't want to let him say one word more because i was so very frightened.  I barely registered his next words, as I lunged towards his car flipping him off and started yelling at him as he said...

"... I hate that we can't see the beautiful faces of such pretty women"... 

He wasn't threatening, he wasn't menacing, he wasn't being mean in any way at all.  But I had reacted viciously and meanly, out of the terror and fear that seems to be so much a part of our world.

My sweetie walked around me to be between me and the car, pulling me away and urging me to calm down.  The driver, remaining friendly, said some other kindly things I didn't even hear before driving off.  

Half a block later, i bent over and cried, cried for the adrenaline and terror that had over taken me and cried over my vicious reaction that so completely took over my normal calm and peace keeping self.  I'm embarrassed, and sorrowful, that I returned a kind intention with such anger and hatred.  I had been terrified, but my terror had controlled me and kept me from hearing what was really being said.  He wasn't attacking my mask, he wasn't criticizing, he was just remarking, being friendly on a new england sunny fall day, that some beauty was being lost on the world... me.  

What have we become?  What have I become?  

Birthday Wishes

 I want to thank everyone for all of the amazing birthday wishes. This has been a great affirmation for me, and I really appreciate it. I woke this morning in a deep melancholy - and one by one you all have reminded me of what I have today.

8 years ago, I faced my 50th birthday alone, having, only two weeks before, walked away from a 30+ year marriage. I had woken up to finally acknowledge the poison that i had been living with daily, and had realized that if i did not leave I would not live. I was loathed, despised, shamed, and maligned every single day for many years, constantly being told how far i fell short of some mythical ideal. On my 50th, I walked down a street, while working on a project in France, and wondered - would i ever be worthy of being loved, would i ever be happy again, was i doomed to be alone, unloved, unworthy, and unwanted. I can't begin to tell you how difficult that year was for me.

Today, I can be thankful, joyous, and yet grieve. I am incredibly thankful for finding a man who absolutely loves and adores me and who I can love and adore in return. I have my children, and his, who also bring love and joy into my life every day. And I have all of you - who I have reconnected with, old and new - who remind me daily of what love, friendship, compassion, and mercy are.

My grief is partly born of the pain of the past, but also of seeing the daily toxicity occurring within our country that is so so so reminiscent of the toxicity of my marriage. The shaming, the blaming, the brutalizing, and the brainwashing of the soul of this country in the name of our so called "faith".

My number one wish/prayer on my birthday is that people start asking really hard questions about what they believe... and be honest about how their politics lines up with their faith. Faith is not a one "issue" matter, yet we line our politics up on issues that don't match what our faith to considers most precious - the souls of humans (all humans). We demonize concepts we don't even understand (why is obamacare EVIL? why is eliminating student debt socialist? how does immigration threaten your well being) and we propagate hate instead of demonstrating love, grace, and mercy. We sacrifice moral imperatives because of so called political ideology that is frankly abhorrent and truly immoral in that it sets out to demonize people and destroy souls.

Will you answer my birthday prayer today and stop the hatred?