My thoughts from Monday (the 4th of July) = why I grieve

 I posted this on FB on the fourth but putting it here as well to make sure not to lose sight of this...

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today is supposed to be independence day for our nation. but this year has been rife with the removal of freedoms. I grieve. and let me tell you why.

 

1) Guns... our founding fathers could not have begun to imagine that the protection to bear arms would include the use of the weapons of today. why not say if we carried a gun that was nuclear - it would be ok. when does it stop. where does it stop. why in the world would a civilized nation need assault rifles and semi-automatics. the militia is not the same as an individual. we don't fear for raiders/marauders invading our homesteads. shoot, we don't even have homesteads. (UPDATE - note that i wrote this before yet another mass shooting occurred a few hours later.  This is a a state of emergency folks!!!!)

 

2) separation of church and state - a foundational component of our founding fathers beliefs. they had seen the abuses that occur when government rule in the name of God and even being people of faith they saw and appreciated the dangers of comingling those powers. I dont believe a teacher should lead a sports team in prayer when nonbelievers are part of that team, nor do i believe that students of faith should be forbidden to gather on school property. it's a question of who has choice and who has power.

 

3) equality of all mankind - self evident. Yes they knew of their own failings with the issue of slavery and they counted on the newly formed nation to fix that. but today inequities outstrip the well being of mankind. I've experienced racism, but only to a minor degree, and mostly as a child, I've experienced sexism being a woman in engineering, A LOT. but i also recognize that i live a life that is based fundamentally on "white privilege" - is it right? no. is it a reality, yes. I can't choose to turn that off, but I can choose to be more aware when it plays in my favor or against others and to speak up. 

 

4) as a woman, as a christian, as a parent, and as a "non-caucasian" caucasian (if that makes sense to you) i do value the sanctity of life... ALL life. When the "promise" of a potential life carries more weight than those living among us, something is broken (yes i lived that). When a marriage becomes chains that break a persons soul (yes i lived that) and a pregnancy means every day is a day of personal death (yes I lived that) I don't believe God condemns us for hard choices. When we stand condemned by His people for valuing life, liberty and happiness, He stands firm that he values our souls not the institutions that would break our souls. 

 

How can people call themselves christian yet condemn so freely. Christ did not preach condemnation towards the people. HE DID condemn the religiously self righteous without hesitation. Can you truly stand and throw stones at any single human yet say you are totally without blame? 

 

That is the whole point of my faith - being free of condemnation and shame, being bathed in God's mercy. He condemns the man, who upon receiving mercy turns around and condemns another.

 

Our supreme court has systematically comingled church and state while depriving people of basic and fundamental freedoms for the first time in our nations history, and has refused protection of the living in favor of corporations. I used to say i hated politics - but now.. sigh... i still hate politics but i love truth, mercy, and grace far more.

Navigating medications - broken things in medical care

As many of you know, my beloved had a 98% blockage of his LAD artery in his heart over two years ago.  It is called a "widowmaker" heart attack because so few people survive this particular form of blockage.  He survived, for which I am absolutely thankful for.  Our love for each other fills our home everyday.  I can't begin to say how much his love and adoration for me makes my world so joyful every single minute.

That heart attack also brought a lot of changes into our lives.  We changed our diet dramatically.  I'd say we're now 95% vegan, some yogurt, but no oil, no other dairy, etc.  My sweetie has lost 55 pounds, and I lost 25.  He was also put on a regimen of aggressive drugs in order to promote a healthy recovery, protection of his stented LAD, and to keep his blood pressure down.  

But recently, those drugs that are supposed to be saving his life are acting more like poison.  Some of this may be due to the fact that he's lost so much weight, but some of it is that we've discovered that he is on "contra-indicated" combinations of meds, yet no doctor has agreed to revisit his condition.  

Today his cholesterol is actually too low, and his platelet counts are almost in the toilet.  He's been feeling sicker and sicker, after having months of being healthier than he has felt in over a decade.  So we've had to be the sleuths and the advocates of taking a serious look at how his medications are influencing his health.

Our process has been long, slow, painful, and frightful.  A year ago a key medication was changed.  three months after that he was in the hospital, he was parched, dizzy, nauseated, and disoriented - so he guzzled too much water (yes even water can poison you if you consume too much).  In the months that have followed, he has alternated between feeling fine, better than ever, and being weak, dizzy, unsteady, dry mouthed, and getting spikes in his blood pressure.  I'd estimate that these "weak" times have been occurring every six weeks or so, and the events would generally last 2-3 days then settle out.  

The most recent time, however, is worse than ever, and has been going on for three weeks.  Doctors pulled his statin and his blood thinner. Yet they added another blood pressure medication without clear reason to. None of the changes improved his platelet count, and he still was in this pit of weakness, confusion, dizziness and anxiety.  We did and still do, strongly suspect a drug interaction.  

I took a spreadsheet and listed each of his meds.  Then going to the Mayo Clinic drug listings I marked the "contra indicated" drugs for each of his meds, and listed out all of the possible side effects for each drug.  I then highlighted each symptom he experienced under each drug.  We suddenly had a very clear map where two of his daily meds were covered with yellow highlights (i.e he had symptoms), and much to our surprise we also found that there were contra-indications across the spectrum of his medications.     Additionally several of the medications are KNOWN to cause low platelet counts. 

 

It became insanely clear that the predominance of his issues revolved around the blood pressure medication he had been put on a year ago.  Because he didn't have any reaction for over three months, the association with the medication was never made.  

Now the trick is that the suspected medication is a beta blocker so it can't just be stopped - even if it is making him sick.  So we are in a taper mode, and as we are tapering he appears to be improving.  I'm still saying prayers.  

My take away - yet once again, is that how is it that people can even navigate the medical system, much less the medications?  I have spent years of my life helping family members and friends navigate this world of medicine because of my "superpower" (see that post in my blog).   

But this is wrong.  Doctors can't be taking 8 hrs of 15 minute appointments per day because of our money driven medical insurance companies, and find time properly research things like this.  how do patients who are walking mysteries get help???  Our faulty assumption was that the EPIC computer system used by our medical community would flag possible drug interactions since all his doctors are on the same system, or that the singular pharmacy he gets all his meds from would have flagged this. 

God's Humor

 

I ponder… when have I “stood on holy ground, encountered the divine” in my life? So many times, often brief, but highly tangible moments. I can’t fixate on just one, my mind churns through so many events.   Then, it hit.  On Maundy Thursday this week, one of the Bethel speakers mentioned a quote from Pastor Ray Stedman.  Wow… my mind instantly flashed back over 40 years to a sunny day in Mountain View, California, to the day I discovered, rather, was led to, Peninsula Bible Church, Ray Stedman’s church.

Honestly, my journey into a church building had been a long one.  As a youth, while living for a short while in Iran, I had a dream of Jesus in the garden beckoning me even though I knew nothing of Jesus.  Later, in my teen years, I pulled out of a profound depression, after dreaming of angelic visitations that told me “hold on, you are loved.” As I entered college, I had encountered a young man on the city bus each day as I went to downtown Seattle where I worked a summer job at The Deli. This young fellow would chat with me, as we were near the same age, and he intrigued me because he literally oozed “peace and faith”. 

Our bus ride conversations prompted me to take a class in comparative religions my freshman year at the University of Washington. This was when I discovered the difference between the course catalog and the real thing, as the professor was a devout catholic, and instead of comparative religion, we covered great historical Christian figures and our readings included Augustine’s Confessions and books such as the Puritan Dilemma.  These readings profoundly impacted me and still shape my faith today, although at the time, it was like learning a foreign language.  These people who so intensely followed and loved this God, this man, Christ. On my own, I read and studied Revelations, and was struck by the combination of mystical symbolism, and what I perceived as a highly probable view of end times.  Yet, I avoided stepping foot into any church.  Too many cults out there – that was my reasoning.

I was struggling academically by the end of my freshman year, needing to sort out how committed I was to my studies in Engineering.  I decided to take a Cooperative Education job – where I could try my hand at basic engineering, being paid, while getting academic credit.  I landed an internship at NASA, Ames Research Center in Mountain View, California, which solidified my career choice, but also resulted in God’s ultimate prank on me. 

Like Augustine, I was very much, not yet God, not yet.  But somehow, I woke one morning, and felt a calling… “it’s time.”  Time for what?  “Get up, you are going to church” this inner voice nagged at me.  Anyone who knows me, knows that I am NOT a morning person.  I rolled over and punched my pillow.  Just a few more minutes…  “No.  Get up!” I did.  But where to go?  I picked up a phone book – what to look for? I didn’t know.  I noticed that a lot of the local churches were all on Middlefield Road.  “Go there,” the voice said.  What do I look for? How do I know?  “You will know.”

I drove to Middlefield Road, discovering later that people in the area referred to it as church row.  I was intimidated by church after church after church, all with huge, overcrowded parking lots.  I can’t do this I thought.  I know, I’ll look for a small church.  I continued to drive slowly down the road, big lot, no… people dressed up too fancy, too sloppy, no, no, no.  Then I saw a small building, with large overhanging trees, it looked secluded, and cosy, with a very small driveway.  I didn’t see many people, so maybe… maybe.  I pulled down a long driveway, fence to my left, and as the real size of the church began to penetrate my awareness.  Oh dear.  But here goes.  Oh CRUD!  The parking lot in the BACK was absolutely gigantic!  People in yellow vests stood by the driveway pointing.  I could not see an exit anywhere as they directed me to the guest parking.  In for a penny, in for a pound.  I walked the walk of trepidation from my car into Peninsula Bible Church, to begin my lifelong journey of faith, it was Easter.  Who says God doesn’t have a sense of humor?